Meh!

Can I just say how confusing my life is right now?  Yeah I am sure there are plenty of adults out there who want to remind me that it will only get more difficult.  Lately I have been praying and praying because I have been trying to decide what I should study in school.  I basically had it narrowed down to 2 majors: Communication disorders or nursing.  I cannot even tell you how many times I have prayed to see which one I should do, and I was not getting an answer! (Can you say extremely frustrating?)  Then on fast Sunday I decided that I would fast for an answer.  After fasting I still wasn't really feeling either way.  Then I called and talked to my lovely mother to update her on my life.  She said that she had been talking to someone in my home ward who was wondering if I had ever considered being a PHYSICIAN'S ASSISTANT.  Are you kidding me?!?
So on the outside I was like...

But on the inside I was like...

Sadly enough I had these thoughts many times before, but I just brushed them aside because I knew a normal person wouldn't want to go to PA school...(why I considered myself normal is beyond me....)  The spirit then whispered to me that THIS was the path I was supposed to be taking, and THAT is why I wasn't receiving the answers that I had been searching for.  I still have all these doubts that I am going down the wrong path, but I think I am going to go back to my original major of Neuroscience and then once I graduate, I will be able to go to PA school.  WHEW.
And now I just sort of feel like this...

Sometimes I wonder why God would let me just wander around like a chicken with my head cut off, but He must have some great plan in store.  And even though I have all of these doubts running around in my brain,  I KNOW that God has never turned his back on me.  He has always been right by my side, and I knew it would always work out.  And even though I have no idea how I am going to pay for school or how I am going to take a million science classes at one time or how I am going to pass a million science classes, I know that God knows, and THAT my friends is true peace.

Peace doesn't come from knowing HOW everything will work out, but knowing WHO will work it all out.

 I am stepping out of my little boat of comfort and safety just as Peter did when Christ beckoned for him to come out onto the water. Yes I am terrified.  But I can do all things through Christ.  As long as I keep my eyes on him I know that I will be able to withstand these insane storms that are raging around me.

All I have to do is stay focused on Him, and then maybe eventually I will feel a little less like this...

And a little more like this....

Wilt thou be made whole?

In John 5 Christ is going to the pool of Bethesda that is just outside of the temple.  When an angel comes down and troubles the water, whoever enters the water has the opportunity to be healed of whatever physical ailment they have.  When Christ goes to the pool Christ asks a man who had not been able to walk for 38 years "Wilt thou be made whole?"  The man doubts and wonders how he could possibly be healed when there is no one to put him in the water when the angel troubles it.  Jesus simply says "Rise, take up thy bed, and walk."  Of course we all know the ending, the man is able to walk! After 38 years! He stands up on those weak feet and those wobbly knees miraculously have the strength carry him.  Yes this miracle is amazing, and the change of heart that the man's heart experiences is incredible as well.  However, I want to focus on the question that Christ asks this man.  He asks, "Wilt thou be made whole?"

Of us, Christ asks this same question, Wilt thou be made whole?

How many times does Christ ask this of us?  Wilt thou be made whole?  Will you use this Atonement to cleanse yourself?  Will you use it to provide yourself with the strength that you didn't think you had?

Strength enough to walk after 38 years.

Strength enough to return to church after 50 years.

 Strength enough to change your heart.

Strength enough to do overcome ANY temptation or to cleanse ANY sin.

But we have to CHOOSE.  We have to consciously make the decision that we want to be made whole.  And there is a big difference between being healed and being made whole.  Healing is temporary, being made whole lasts much longer.  Healing is physical, but being whole is spiritual and emotional.

Wilt thou be made whole?

To those who feel they are already whole, I say, sadly it is not so.  Each of us are in need of Christ and the cleansing He brings to us.

To those who feel that it would take a miracle for them become whole, I say, so it is for all of us.  The Atonement is the greatest miracle that has ever happened on this earth and through the Atonement our sins are washed away.  I echo the words of President Thomas S. Monson when he said, "There is no fog so dense, no night so dark, no gale so strong, no mariner so lost but what that beacon light can rescue." I testify that Christ is that beacon, that if we turn to him we will never be lost.  

Never Forget

"And He arose and rebuked the winds, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm."

 Words cannot express the gratitude that I have that Christ, my Savior, calms the storms in my life.  The winds and the waves in my life truly do obey His will.  It is so easy to forget that simple fact. 

And sometimes I forget so much that I question.  I ask, "Master, carest thou not that I perish?" How can you lie asleep during this storm that I am suffering through? Don't you care that I need help? I need your help, please help me.  Don't leave me alone to endure this storm alone.  Don't you understand how utterly terrified I am?

But He always calms the storms.  It may not be right when I want Him to, in fact it is safe to say that it really never is at a time that is convenient for me. It may be after I have suffered an eternity through that storm, so much so that I am so sick that I don't think I can survive another minute in that storm.  And it might be five minutes after that.  But he will calm the storm.

And then he will answer us saying, "Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?"  I am here for you.  I will always be here for you.  Please just trust me.  Trust that I know what is best for you.  I know you don't believe me right now, but this storm is meant to help you learn, grow, and progress.  Never forget. You cannot forget my love for you.  Everything I do for you is out of love.  I have always loved you.  Love is the reason.  Love is what brought me to perform miracles of healing the blind and raising the dead.  Love is what drove me to the Garden of Gethsemane where I bled from every pore and suffered for your sins.  Love is what lifted me up on a cross where I died for you.  Love.  Always remember my love for you.  Please never forget that.  Never forget.

I have calmed this storm, but there will be many more.  Some won't be so bad, and others will be worse and more tumultuous than this one you have just experienced.  Through each of these I will be there.  You may not be able to see me, but I am there.  Because I love you.  I will always be there.  Don't forget to call on me when you need help, you don't have to do this alone.  Because I was alone in Gethsemane, you do not have to be.  That is what my love can do.  My love can change a mind. My love can change a heart. My love can change the world.  It has changed the world.

Then we might drop down on our knees and cry, I know that you are always there.  I know that you love me.  I'm sorry that I forget.  I know that you performed those miracles, bled in Gethsemane, and died on the cross.  I know that your love has changed the world.  I know.  I won't forget.

But we do.  We do forget, and when we do, if we will just turn around we will see that Christ is there again.  He will always be there, we just have to let him in. Then he will remind us.

I lived for you.  I died for you. And I love you.

No other person's love for us really matters.  Yeah there is that cute boy and it turns out that he "doesn't like you back." Or maybe your family is completely disappointed in a choice you made.  Maybe your friends have all abandoned you.  You may feel utterly alone, or you just might in fact be utterly alone.

 Yes those things are hard.  Yes it is okay to cry.  Yes it is okay to scream and bang your fists against a wall, or  scream into a pillow.  But after doing those things we must remember that love. 

A love so immense that it brought Him to perform miracles. 

 A love so powerful that it drove him to Gethsemane.

 A love so miraculous that it lifted Him up on a cross to die.

A love so perfect that it changed the world.

 We cannot forget.  

Never forget.